In all of my searching for something I could control, I decided to have a custom urn made for myself. I’m not planning on dying anytime soon, but this was something I could control, and I hope it stays in the closet another 25 years. My husband, though not fully understanding, was very supportive. So I am now the proud owner of a custom walnut urn that has been fractal burned and has turquoise lightning strikes (they glow in the dark) running through it. I’m in love with it. My daughter plans on taking me on road trips with her, and I get to ride around I style. Don’t disillusion me, maybe one road trip, but my ride will be glorious. And the fact that I could control one thing during this shit storm of trouble was cathartic for sure.
So if you are personally feeling like you are having a crisis moment or feel as if you are in a tailspin. Find something you can control. Do it. Don’t harm yourself or anyone else, for the love of Pete, roses and all that is sacred in this mortal plane but choose something simple to set your sights on that will give you that sense of control again.
Losing control of the situation seems to be a running joke with my guardian angel, protector, or the Fates.
Due to a few complications from the radiation to my brain, I was prescribed a drug to help with swelling in my brain and to help relieve the pressure. A drug that can cause side effects, but some Drs won’t acknowledge. Of course, I happen to be one of the lucky fewwhot had a reaction to it. As I have a previous health issue of fibromyalgia as well as rheumatoid arthritis, the drug I was prescribed aggravated my conditions. So every nerve ending and joint became my sworn and total enemy. I began to have extensive pain, muscle spasms, and contractures. While I worked the entire time I had radiation, missing work only one day because the machine broke down and I would have had to reschedule or be a few hours late for work, I started to struggle with pain and even walking. I am a rural mail carrier, and as my route is mostly driving, I would have to get out of the vehicle and walk through peoples yards to deliver packages that wouldn’t fit in their mailboxes.
As time progressed, I had difficulty walking up a set of stairs, and then uneven ground became a land mine. Before long, I had to use a cane to walk at home, in the office, at the store. Within 2 months of finishing radiation, I was semi crippled. I couldn’t feel my left foot, I was dragging it when I walked, and the feeling in my calf and shin had diminished. It got to the point I couldn’t walk without a walker, I had to have help out of my vehicle and into our house
After going to the orthopedic clinic, they decided I had drop foot, ordered me to wear a brace, and told me to ask my neurosurgeon for a consultation on my foot. While waiting for the consult, I continued to work, I struggled greatly and I cried daily in pain and frustration. My mental capacity was struggling as well. What had I done to deserve this. Why me.
And the Angst will continue… (we haven’t even gotten to the fun parts yet)
